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[Gremlin]

A man comes home to find his wife packing. He asks her what's going on. She tells him "I'm leaving and going to Las Vegas, I can get paid $400 per blowjob out there." The man starts packing his bags as well. His wife asks "What the hell are you doing?" He replies, "I'm coming with you, I want to see how you live on $800 per year!"

[Supermercado]

Owned.

[jitspoe]

Church Bulletin Bloopers


1. Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa, will be speaking tonight at Calvary Methodist. Come hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.

2. Announcement in a church bulletin for a national PRAYER & FASTING Conference: "The cost for attending the Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.

3. The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water."
 The sermon tonight:
"Searching for Jesus."

4. Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the recreation hall - Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.

5. Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands.

6. The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been cancelled due to a conflict.

7. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "Hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.

8. Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.

9. Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

10. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

11. Next Thursday there will be try outs for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

12. Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons.

13. The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing: " Break Forth Into Joy."

14. Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

15. A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

16. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.

17. Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

18. Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

19. Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.

20. Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy lunch.

21. The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.

22. Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to
follow.

23. The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind.
They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

24. This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn sing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

25. Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.

26. The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.

27. Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.

28. The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

29. Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

30. The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge ! - Up Yours!"

[Supermercado]

Wow, some of those are hiliarous. It's a good thing I read that on my lunch break or my coworkers would be wondering what I was laughing about.

[elmono311]

Those are funny

[KnacK]

Speaking of Rednecks Jitspoe.....

Redneck Love Poem

Collards is green
my dogs name is blue
and I'm so lucky
to have a sweet thang like you.

Yore hair is like cornsilk
a-flappin in the breeze
Softer than Blue's
and without all them fleas.

You move like the bass
which excite me in May
You ain't got no scales
but I luv you anyway.

Yo're as satisfy'n as okry
just a-fry'n in the pan
Yo're as fragrant as snuff
right out of the can.

You have some-a yore teeth
for which I am proud
I hold my head high
when we're in a crowd.

On special occasions
when you shave under yore arms
well I'm in hog heaven
and awed by yore charms.

Still them fellers at work
they all want to know
what I did to deserve
such a purdy young doe.

Like a good roll of duct tape
yo're there for yore man
to patch up lifes troubles
and fix what you can.

Yo're as cute as a junebug
a-buzzin overhead
you ain't mean like those far ants
I found in my bed.

Cut from the best cloth
like a plaid flannel shirt
you spark up my life
more than a fresh load of dirt.

When you hold me real tight
like a padded gun rack
my life is complete
ain't nuttin I lack.

Yore complexion is purfect
like the best vinyl sidin
despite all the years
yore age it keeps hidin.

me 'n' you's like a moon pie
with a RC cold drank
we go together
like a skunk goes with stank.

Some men they buy chocolate
for Valentine's day
They git it at Wal-Mart
it's romantic that way.

Some men get roses
on that special day
from the cooler at Kroger
"That's impressive" I say.

Some men buy fine diamonds
from a flea market booth
diamonds are forever
they explain suave and couth.

But for this man honey
these just won't do
cause yore too special
you sweet thang you.

I got you a gift
without taste or odor
more useful than diamonds
IT'S A NEW TROLL'N MOTOR!!


Luv ya,
Cooter

[Gremlin]

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be
 confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.
 "Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple of minutes
 of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered
 vacuum cleaners."

 "Go away!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money!", "I'm broke!"
 and she proceeded to close the door.

 Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed
 wide open. "Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen
 my demonstration." And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure on to
 her hallway carpet.

 "If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure
 from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder.
 The old lady stepped back and said, "Well I hope you've got a damned
 good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning."
 What part of broke do you not understand?

[viciouz]

hahahaha!
simple one here:

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
In Soviet Russia
poem writes YOU!!


Sorry if you've already posted that one.

[Supermercado]

In Soviet Russia, joke posts you!!

[jitspoe]

This is bad, but it did make me laugh:

http://j-walkblog.com/index.php?/weblog/posts/blond_joke/

[Gremlin]

that's hilarious!

[jitspoe]

President Clinton is out jogging, and he encounters a man with some puppies. Clinton asks the man what kind of puppies they are, and the man responds, "They're Democrat puppies, Mr. President."

Clinton thinks that is so great that the next day he brings the first lady to see these puppies for herself. He asks the man to tell Hillary what kind of puppies they are, and the man responds, "They're Republican puppies." The president looks puzzled and says, "Yesterday, you told me they were Democrat puppies." The man smiles and says, "Yesterday, they were. But today, they have their eyes open!"

[Gremlin]

This guy buys a house way out in the sticks. After about a week or so he decides to drive around and see how close any neighbors are. A couple hours of driving go by and he finally spots a house. He walks up to the door and knocks, the owner comes to the door and the guy explains that he's out trying to meet his new neighbors. The homeowner explains that there's going to be a party there tonight and asks if he would like to come.
The first man says "Sure it's lonely as hell out here." The homeowner says  "Well, there's gonna be some music and dancing." To which the other guy says "Thats fine, it's lonely as hell out here."
Homeowner keeps going "There's probably gonna be some drinking and drugs used, wild sex and maybe even a fight."
The first guy kinda laughs and says "Thats fine too, it's lonely as hell out here, how many people are gonna be at this party anyways?"
The homeowner replies "Just me and you buddy, it's lonely as hell out here!"

[jitspoe]

If "CON" is the opposite of "PRO", what is the opposite of PROGRESS?

[PiCaSSo]

regress?

[jitspoe]

Two IT guys were talking in a bar after work. "Guess what," says the first IT guy, "I met this gorgeous blonde in a bar."

"What did you do?" says the other IT guy.

"Well, I invited her over to my place, we had a couple of drinks, we got into the mood and then she suddenly asked me to take all her clothes off!"

"You're kidding me!" says the second IT guy.

"Nope." says IT guy one. "I took her miniskirt off, and then I lifted her up and put her on my desk, next to my new laptop."

"Really?" asked the second IT guy. "You got a new laptop?"

[KnacK]

BAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!


umm what brand??

[Zorchenhimer]

I love VG Cats.com

[elmono311]

Two IT guys were talking in a bar after work. "Guess what," says the first IT guy, "I met this gorgeous blonde in a bar."

"What did you do?" says the other IT guy.

"Well, I invited her over to my place, we had a couple of drinks, we got into the mood and then she suddenly asked me to take all her clothes off!"

"You're kidding me!" says the second IT guy.

"Nope." says IT guy one. "I took her miniskirt off, and then I lifted her up and put her on my desk, next to my new laptop."

"Really?" asked the second IT guy. "You got a new laptop?"

Heh, sounds like a conversation between jitspoe and Super

[tenchu]

rofl

[Supermercado]

LIFE WOULD BE GREAT IF IT WERE BACKWARDS

You'd start out dead and get it out of the way
Then, wake up in an old age home feeling better every day.
You get kicked out for being too healthy; go collect your pension, then
when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day.
You work 40 years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement.
You drink alcohol, you party, you're generally promiscuous and you get
ready for High School. You go to primary school, you become a kid, you
play, you have no responsibilities, you become a baby, and then...
You spend your last 9 months floating peacefully in luxury, in spa-like
conditions; central heating, room service on tap, larger quarters
everyday.


And then, you finish off as an orgasm.

[elmono311]

Sweet!

[elmono311]

Mr. Bear and Mr. Rabbit didn't like each other very much. One day, while walking through the woods, and they came across a golden frog.

They were amazed when the frog talked to them. The golden frog admitted that he didn't often meet anyone, but, when he did, he always gave them six wishes. He told them that they could have 3 wishes each.

Mr. Bear immediately wished that all the other bears in the forest were females.

The frog granted his wish. Mr. Rabbit, after thinking for a while, wished for a crash helmet.

One appeared immediately, and he placed it on his head. Mr. Bear was amazed at Mr. Rabbit's wish, but carried on with his second wish.

He wished that all the bears in the neighboring forests were females as well, and the frog granted his wish.

Mr. Rabbit then wished for a motorcycle. It appeared before him, and he climbed on board and started revving the engine.

Mr. Bear could not believe it and complained that Mr. Rabbit had wasted two wishes that he could have had for himself.

Shaking his head, Mr. Bear made his final wish, that all the other bears in the world were females as well, leaving him as the only male bear in the world.

The frog replied that it had been done, and they both turned to Mr. Rabbit for his last wish.

Mr. Rabbit revved the engine, thought for a second, then said, "I wish that Mr. Bear was gay!" and rode off as fast as he could.

[Supermercado]

Haha, nice.