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[elmono311]

*smacks jitspoe upside the head*

[disnut8]

My father-in-law, the respected psychiatrist finished this joke that my father, respected truck driver told:

Father - Why is a woman's pubic hair curly?

Father-in-law (who had one too many eggnogs at the Christmas dinner and was lying face up on the living room floor) - SO YOU DON'T POKE YOUR EYE OUT!

Needless to say, there was stunned silence for a bit.

[disnut8]

Another one.  Honestly, there's only one more and you guys did ask for it.  And it's long but well worth it.

Leawada Lipschitz

While Benny Opperknockerty was in his “beard out of control” phase, he hooked up with a pretty little demure girl named Leawada Lipschitz.  Leawada was everything Benny was before he met the genie.  With Benny’s sudden disappearance, Leawada decided change was in her life.  So she put her house on the market, sold it and bought a fixer-er-upper on the other side of town.  She packed up everything she owned and she and her dog, Sport, were soon in their new home.

Now, Leawada knew the house’s history.  Every town has a “haunted mansion” and Leawada’s new home was it.  Very scary stories were told about the history of the house.  Young boys (and a few girls) dared to throw rocks and the windows.  Braver ones would agree to spend a night in the old house but none ever made it through the first hour.  Their stories were all the same – “horrible sounds coming from the basement”.  But Leawada didn’t care.  She lost her love, Benny Opperknockerty, but she had her faithful dog, Sport.  They would fix up the house and to hell with all the stories!

Leawada and Sport moved into the house without hesitation.  People stood on the sidewalk and sneered.  “She won’t last a week” said Mrs, McElroy who was rumored to be 120 years old.  Old Doc Finch prepared himself for the day (surely within a week) that he would have to sign a death certificate for one Leawada Lipschitz.  Cause of death – Complete Haunting of Her Soul.

Leawada didn’t care.  She unpacked her belongings, fed and petted Sport and settled into her new home.  She made dinner for herself and then built a nice, cheerful fire.  She took a seat in her comfy chair with footstool and set out to read a good book.  Sport had adapted to his new surroundings and laid by Leawada’s footstool and was comforted by the fire.

All of a sudden there was a horrible knocking sound!!!!!!!!  Thunk, thunk, thunk..  Sport jumped up to try and find the source.  Leawada was terrified!  Thunk, thunk, thunk.  Were all those awful stories true?  The fire flickered and died.  Leawada panicked, grabbed Sport, and fled to a nearby motel.  She avoided the night clerk’s snicker when she checked in.  She didn’t care.  She and Sport were fine.

Upon waking the next morning, Leawada had a change of heart.  That was HER house, damn it!  Nothing could stop her from living there.  She packed up Sport (who whimpered a bit) and headed back to the house.  Everything was fine and Leawada was determined to make this work.  She and Sport had a normal day. 

She made dinner for herself and then built a nice, cheerful fire.  She took a seat in her comfy chair with footstool and set out to read a good book.  Sport had adapted to his new surroundings and laid by Leawada’s footstool and was comforted by the fire.

All of a sudden there was a horrible knocking sound!!!!!!!!  Thunk, thunk, thunk.  Sport jumped up to try and find the source.  Leawada was terrified!  Thunk, thunk, thunk.  Were all those awful stories true?  The fire flickered and died.   Leawada did not want to face the motel’s clerk’s face again.  She vowed to find out the source of the knocking.  She and Sport traced it to the basement.  But should she fling open the door and face the evil demon?

Leawada and Sport spent the night in her car.  Sport didn’t want to go back to the house and Leawada felt the same.

Upon waking the next morning,  Leawada had a change of heart.  That was HER house, damn it!  Nothing could stop her from living there.  She packed up Sport (who whimpered a LOT) and headed back to the house.  Everything was fine and Leawada was determined to make this work.  She and Sport had a normal day. 

She made dinner for herself and then built a nice, cheerful fire.  She took a seat in her comfy chair with footstool and set out to read a good book.  Sport had adapted to his new surroundings and laid by Leawada’s footstool and was comforted by the fire.

All of a sudden there was a horrible knocking sound!!!!!!!!  Thunk, thunk thunk.  Sport jumped up to try and find the source.  Leawada was terrified!  Thunk, thunk, thunk.  Were all those awful stories true?  The fire flickered and died.  This time though, Leawada was very determined.

She and Sport (who cowered behind Leawada’s ankles but was there just in case) went to the basement door.  Leawada was scared but she knew the only way to stay in that house was to confront whatever was behind the door.  Leawada grabbed the basement door handle.  Sport pressed himself closer to Leawada’s ankles.  This was it.  This was the moment.  Leawada flung open the door.

And was confronted with a coffin making its way up the stairs.  Thunk, thunk, thunk.  A small box was placed on top of it.  Leawada, beyond terrified now, grabbed the box.  She turned it over and breathed a sigh of relief.  Want to know what the box said?




Wait for it………..





Wait for it…………..



Just a bit more………….


The box said “Smith Brothers, Stops the Coffin Everytime”

[KnacK]

ummmm....

[disnut8]

Sigh.  For the youngsters - there was a cough drop back "in the day".  Smith Brothers.  Their slogan was "Smith Brothers, stops the coughin' every time".  OK - everyone should get the next one.

[KnacK]

I'm not young by any means ( right Doug?)

[elmono311]

*groans*

[disnut8]

*groans*

You know what is up next.  It's the "best".

[KnacK]

Bubba and Ray (Red Neck mechanical engineers) were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.

A woman walked by and asked what they were doing. We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole," said Bubba, "but we don't have a ladder."

The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts, and laid the pole down.

Then she took a tape measure from her pocket, took a measurement, announced, "Eighteen feet, six inches," and walked away.

Ray shook his head and laughed.  "Ain't that just like a blonde? We ask for the height and she gives us the length!"

[KnacK]

   Boudreaux left Breaux Bridge, Louisiana and leased
an apartment in Baton Rouge.
    He went to the lobby to put his name on his
mailbox.  While there, an attractive young lady came out of
the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing only a robe. Boudreaux
smiled at the young woman who smiled back at him and she started
a conversation with him.
   
    As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was
obvious that she had nothing else on. Poor Boudreaux broke out into
a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.
   
    After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his
arm and said, "Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming."
   
    He followed her into her apartment. She closed the
door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off
completely. Now nude, she purred at him, showing her erect nipples and a
totally shaved, as Boudreaux called it, "public area",
    "What would you say is my best feature?"
   
    Flustered, embarrassed and slightly stuttering,
Boudreaux finally squeaked out in a cajun voice, "It's gott to be
your your ears!"   
    Astounded and a little hurt she asked, "My ears?
Look at these breasts, they are full and 100% natural! I work
out every day! My butt is firm and solid! Look at my skin, no
blemishes anywhere!
   
    How can you say the best part of my body is my
ears?!"   
    Clearing his throat, Boudreaux stammered,"
Outside, when you said you heard someone coming? Dat
was me."

[KnacK]

A young boy went up to his father and asked him, "Dad, what is the difference between potentially and realistically?"

The father thought for a moment, then answered, "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then, ask your
Brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and Tell me what you learn from that."

So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"

The mother replied, "Of course I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great University!" 

The boy then went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"

The girl replied, "Oh my God! I LOVE Brad Pitt I would sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?"

The boy then went to his brother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"

 

 "Of course," the brother replied. "Do you know how much a million bucks would buy?"

The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his dad. His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between potentially and realistically?"

The boy replied, "Yes. Potentially, you and I are sitting on three million dollars, but realistically, we're living with two hookers and a homo.

[Supermercado]

Bwahahahaha, two hookers and a homo, nice.

[jitspoe]

Did you hear about Mattel's new Divorced Barbie?



She comes with all of Kens' stuff.

[KnacK]

 An Iowa farmer was sitting at the table, while his wife was preparing  dinner. His wife dropped a spoon and bent over to pick it up. As she bent over, the farmer said, "Honey, your butt is as big as a combine." 
                                                                           
   The wife picks up the spoon and continues cooking, with no comment to  her husband.                                                           
                                                                           
   As she put the dinner on the table, she dropped the pepper shaker on   the floor. While she was bent over picking it up, the farmer said, "Honey,  I take that back. Your butt is as big as two combines!"
 
The wife picks up the pepper, sets it on the table and begins eating with no comment to  her husband.                                                           
                                                                           
   Later on that night, after the couple had gone to bed, the farmer  started feeling a little frisky. As he cuddled up to his wife, he  noticed that there was no response on her end. He tapped his wife on  the shoulder and asked her what was wrong.

She replied, "Do you really   think that I am going to fire up $300,000 dollars worth of machinery  for one little corn cob?"                                       

[KnacK]

At their 50th anniversary, a wife found the negligee she wore on her wedding
night and put iton. She went to her husband, a retired Marine pilot, and
said: "Honey, do you remember this?"


He looked up from his newspaper and said: "Yes dear, I do. You wore that
same negligee the night we were married"

She said, "Yes, that's right. Do you remember what you said to me that
night?"

He nodded and said, "Yes dear, I said; 'Oh baby, I'm going to suck the life
out of those boobs and screw your brains out."

She giggled and said; "That's exactly what you said. So now it's fifty Years
later, and I'm in the same negligee. What do you have to say tonight?"


He looked her up and down and replied, " Mission accomplished."

[KnacK]

                           
Bubba went to a psychiatrist.

" I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy."

"Just put yourself in my hands for one year," said the shrink. "Come talk to me three times a week, and we should be able to get rid of those fears."

"How much do you charge?"

"Eighty dollars per visit, replied the doctor."
"I'll sleep on it," said Bubba.

Six months later the doctor met Bubba on the street. "Why didn't you ever come to see me about those fears you were having?" asked the psych! iatrist.

"Well Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup!"

"Is that so! And how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?"

"He told me to cut the legs off the bed! - Ain't nobody under there now !!!"
 

[Supermercado]

Brilliant!

[KnacK]

 In the days of the Wild West, there was a young cowboy who wanted more than anything to be the greatest gunfighter in the world.  He practiced every minute of his spare time, but he knew that he wasn't yet first-rate and that there must be something he was doing wrong.

Sitting in a saloon one Saturday night, he recognized an elderly man standing at the bar who -- in his day -- had the reputation of being the fastest gun in the West.  The young cowboy took a place next to the old-timer, bought him a drink and told him the story of his great ambition.  "Do you think you could give me some tips?" he asked.

The old man looked him up and down and said, "Well, for one thing, you're wearing your gun too high.  Tie the holster a little lower down on your leg."

"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the yo ung man.

"Sure will," replied the old-timer.

The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his 44 and shot the bow tie off the piano player.

"That's terrific!" said the hot shot. "Got any more tips for me?"

"Yep," said the old man. "Cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it. That'll give you a smoother draw."

"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the younger man.

"You bet it will," said the old-timer.

The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, then shot a cufflink off the piano player.

"Wow!" exclaimed the cowboy.  "I'm learnin' somethin' here.. Got any more tips?"

The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon.  "See that axle grease over there?  Coat your gun with it."

The young man went over to the can and smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun.

"No," said the old-timer, "I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all."

"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man.

"No," said the old-timer, "but when Wyatt Earp gets done playing the piano, he's gonna shove that gun up your ass, and it won't hurt as much."

[Supermercado]

Ooops.

[elmono311]

Hehehe, funny. And wonderful avatar there, Knack...

[KnacK]

for the record, that avatar is not of me...

[jitspoe]

Of course not -- not nearly old enough to be you.  Your grandson, maybe?

[KnacK]

* KnacK needs the emoticon of the machine gun smiley.....

[elmono311]

Good luck on getting that. Super has still yet to put the afro smiley back on the list

[jitspoe]

And then there was the optometrist who fell into his lens grinder and made a spectacle of himself.