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[KnacK]

ARCHAEOLOGISTS FINDINGS
After having dug to a depth of 1000 meters last year,
Scottish scientists found traces of copper wire dating back
1000 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors
already had a telephone network more than 1000 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the Scots, in the weeks that followed,
English scientist dug to a depth of 2000 meters and shortly
after headlines in the UK newspapers read:

"English archaeologists have found traces of 2000 year copper
wire and have concluded that their ancestors already had an
advanced high-tech communications network a thousand years
earlier than the Scots."

One week later, Texas newspapers reported the following:

"After digging as deep as 5000 meters in West
Texas, scientists have found absolutely nothing. They have
therefore concluded that 5000 years ago Texas inhabitants
were already using wireless.

[Zorchenhimer]

nice. here is one a friend sent me:

EVIL MUTANT ATTACK SQUIRREL OF DEATH
I never dreamed that slowly cruising on my motorcycle through a residential neighborhood could be so incredibly dangerous!
Little did I suspect.
I was on Brice Street - a very nice neighborhood with perfect lawns and slow traffic. As I passed an oncoming car, a brown furry missile shot out from under it and tumbled to a stop immediately in front of me.
It was a squirrel, and must have been trying to run across the road when it encountered the car. I really was not going very fast, but there was no time to brake or avoid it -- it was that close. I hate to run over animals, and I really hate it on a motorcycle, but a squirrel should pose no danger to me. I barely had time to brace for the impact.
Animal lovers, never fear. Squirrels, I discovered, can take care of themselves! Inches before impact, the squirrel flipped to his feet. He was standing on his hind legs and facing my oncoming Valkyrie with steadfast resolve in his beady little eyes. His mouth opened, and at the last possible second, he screamed and leapt! I am pretty sure the scream was squirrel for, "Banzai!" or maybe, "Die you gravy-sucking, heathen scum!"
The leap was nothing short of spectacular...He shot straight up, flew over my windshield, and impacted me squarely in the chest. Instantly, he set upon me. If I did not know better, I would have sworn he brought 20 of his little buddies along for the attack.
Snarling, hissing, and tearing at my clothes, he was a frenzy of activity. As I was dressed only in a light T-shirt, summer riding gloves, and jeans this was a bit of a cause for concern. This furry little tornado was doing some damage!
Picture a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a T-shirt, and leather gloves, puttering at maybe 25 mph down a quiet residential street, and in the fight of his life with a squirrel. And losing...
I grabbed for him with my left hand. After a few misses, I finally managed to snag his tail. With all my strength, I flung the evil rodent off to the left of the bike, almost running into the right curb as I recoiled from the throw.
That should have done it. The matter should have ended right there. It really should have. The squirrel could have sailed into one of the pristinely kept yards and gone on about his business, and I could have headed home.
No one would have been the wiser. But this was no ordinary squirrel. This was not even an ordinary angry squirrel.
This was an EVIL MUTANT ATTACK SQUIRREL OF DEATH!
Somehow he caught my gloved finger with one of his little hands and, with the force of the throw, swung around and with a resounding thump and an amazing impact, he landed squarely on my BACK and resumed his rather antisocial and extremely distracting activities. He also managed to take my left glove with him! The situation was not improved. Not improved at all.
His attacks were continuing, and now I could not reach him. I was startled, to say the least. The combination of the force of the throw, only having one hand (the throttle hand) on the handlebars,
and my jerking back unfortunately put a healthy twist through my right hand and into the throttle. A healthy twist on the throttle of a Valkyrie can only have one result.
TORQUE.
This is what the Valkyrie is made for, and she is very, very good at it. The engine roared and the front wheel left the pavement.
The squirrel screamed in anger.
The Valkyrie screamed in ecstasy.
I screamed in ... well . I just plain screamed.
Now picture a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a slightly squirrel-torn t-shirt, wearing only one leather glove and roaring at maybe 50 mph and rapidly accelerating down a quiet residential street on one wheel, with a demonic squirrel of death on his back.
The man and the squirrel are both screaming bloody murder.
With the sudden acceleration I was forced to put my other hand back on the handlebars and try to get control of the bike.
This was leaving the mutant squirrel to his own devices, but I really did not want to crash into somebody's tree, house, or parked car. Also, I had not yet figured out how to release the throttle... my brain was just simply overloaded. I did manage to mash the back brake, but it had little effect against the massive power of the big cruiser.
About this time the squirrel decided that I was not paying sufficient attention to this very serious battle (maybe he was an evil mutant NAZI attack squirrel of death), and he came around my neck and got INSIDE my full-face helmet with me.
As the faceplate closed part way, he began hissing in my face. I am quite sure my screaming changed intensity. It had little effect on the squirrel, however. The RPMs on the Dragon maxed out (since I was not bothering with shifting at the moment), so her front end started to drop.
Now picture a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a very raggedly torn T-shirt, wearing only one leather glove, roaring at probably 80 mph, still on one wheel, with a large puffy squirrel's tail sticking out of the mostly closed full-face helmet. By now, the screams are probably getting a little hoarse.
Finally I got the upper hand ... I managed to grab his tail again, pulled him out of my helmet, and slung him to the left as hard as I could. This time it worked ... sort of.
Spectacularly sort of ..so to speak.
Picture a new scene.
You are a cop. You and your partner have pulled off on a quiet residential street and parked with your windows down to do some paperwork.
Suddenly a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a torn T-shirt flapping in the breeze, and wearing only one leather glove, moving at probably 80 mph on one wheel, and screaming bloody murder roars by, and with all his strength throws a live squirrel grenade directly into your police car.
I heard screams.
They weren't mine...
I managed to get the big motorcycle under control and dropped the front wheel to the ground. I then used maximum braking and skidded to a stop in a cloud of tire smoke at the stop sign of a busy cross street. I would have returned to 'fess up' (and to get my glove back). I really would have.
Really...
Except for two things.
First, the cops did not seem interested or the slightest bit concerned about me at the moment. When I looked back, the doors on both sides of the patrol car were flung wide open. The cop from the passenger side was on his back, doing a crab walk into somebody's front yard, quickly moving away from the car. The cop who had been in the driver's seat was standing in the street, aiming a riot shotgun at his own police car.
So, the cops were not interested in me. They often insist to "let the professionals handle it" anyway.
That was one thing.
The other?
Well, I could clearly see shredded and flying pieces of foam and upholstery from the back seat. But I could also swear I saw the squirrel in the back window, shaking his little fist at me.
That is one dangerous squirrel.
And now he has a patrol car.
A somewhat shredded patrol car .. but it was all his.
I took a deep breath, turned on my turn signal, made a gentle right turn off of Brice Street, and sedately left the neighborhood. I decided it was best to just buy myself a new pair of gloves.
And a whole lot of Band-Aids.

(sorry for the length)

[KnacK]

well....

who do I send the bill to for a  replacement keyboard?

[jitspoe]

That squirrel story was hilarious.  I can't top it, so here's a random joke from ilovebacon.com:

Purina Diet

I have a dog & I was buying a large bag of Purina at Wal-Mart and was in line to check out.

A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her.

Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned. I told her no; it was because I'd been sitting in the street licking my balls and a car hit me.

[Zorchenhimer]

well....

who do I send the bill to for a  replacement keyboard?

i didnt type that, im too lazy. 'twas a copy paste job.

[disnut8]

My favorite joke (I might just share the Benny Opperknockerty ones but I can't cut and paste them so I'd have to type them out):

Warning - this is an Eddie Murphy joke so be prepared -

A bear and a rabbit were walking through the woods.  The bear asked the rabbit "is it true that shit doesn't stick to your fur?"  The rabbit says "that's absolutely true."  So the bear wipes his ass with the rabbit. 

[PiCaSSo]

Eddie Murphy's RAW was tha bomb!

[disnut8]

Eddie Murphy's RAW was tha bomb!

"Ice Cream Man!!!!!!!!  Ice Cream Man!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Oh boy, I'm going to have to do the Benny Opperknockerty jokes.  Elmono and Vengence will disown me, though.  RichN refuses to let me tell these at any party.  Hell, I might have been thrown out of places because of these jokes.

[Supermercado]

I promise I won't throw you out of here! Commence with the joke telling

[KnacK]

The Englishman's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place her ball,
a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear.

"Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any knickers?" her husband demanded.
"Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any."
The Englishman immediately reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency, here's £50. Go and buy yourself some underwear."

Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt also blows up to show that she, too, is wearing no undies.
"Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You've no knickers. Why not?" She replies, "I can't afford any on the money you give me."
He reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency, here's £20. Go and buy yourself some underwear!"

Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it.
"Sweet mudder of Jaysus, Aggie! Where the frig are yer drawers?"
She too explains, "You dinna give me enough money ta be able ta affarrd any."
The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says,
"Well, fer the love 'o decency, here's a comb..... Tidy yerself up a bit."

[KnacK]

 Hello, is this the Sheriff's Office?"
"Yes. What can I do for you?"
 "I'm calling to report 'bout my neighbor Virgil Smith....He's hidin' marijuana inside his firewood!

Don't quite know how he gets it inside them logs,
 but he's hidin' it there."
 "Thank you very much for the call, sir."

 The next day, the Sheriff's Deputies descend on
 Virgil's house.
 They search the shed where the firewood is kept.
 Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but
 find no marijuana.
 They sneer at Virgil and leave.
 Shortly, the phone rings at Virgil's house.
 "Hey, Virgil! This here's Floyd....did the Sheriff come?"
 "Yeah!"

 "Did they chop your firewood?"
"Yep!"
 "Happy Birthday, buddy!"

 (Rednecks know how to git-R-dun)...:.)...

[Supermercado]

Hahaha, both of those are good.

[Zorchenhimer]

Git-R-Dun!!

[KnacK]

A woman went into a pet shop to buy her husband a pet. After looking around she realized that all the pets there were very expensive. She went to the counter and questioned the clerk.
>"I wanted to buy my husband a pet, but all of yours are so expensive",she said.
>"Well,"said the clerk, "I have a huge bullfrog in the back for $50.00. Would you like to see it?"
>"$50.00?? For a Frog??" asked the woman.
>The clerk said, "It's a special frog. It gives blow jobs." Well, the woman did not particularly enjoy giving head, so, she thought his was a heck of a deal. She'd get her husband a gift he'd surely enjoy, and she'd never have to do that again. The woman decided to buy the frog. She took it home to her husband and explained the strange gift. Of course, her husband was a bit skeptical, but said for sure he'd try it out that night. The woman went to bed that night relieved knowing she'd never have to give another blow
>job. About two in the morning, she woke up to hear pots and pans banging around in the kitchen. She got up to go see what was going on. When she got to the kitchen she saw her husband and the frog, sitting at the kitchen table like best buddies, looking through cookbooks.
>"What are you two doing looking through cookbooks at this hour?" asked the woman.
>The husband looks up at her and says, "Well, if I can teach this frog to cook, your ass is outta here."

[Gremlin]

a guy comes home from work one day and finds a gorilla in his tree. he goes inside and looks in the phonebook and gets the number for the gorilla disposal technician. once he arrives the technician tells the guy that he's goin to need some help because his partner didnt show for work. the guy agrees and the tech starts dragging out all kinds of equipment, climbing gear, a club, a pair of handcuffs, a crazed chihuahua, and a shotgun. the tech explains to the guy that he's going to climb the tree and club the gorilla and that the gorilla will fall out of the tree. then the chihuahua will rush at the gorillas balls, when the gorilla goes to protect his balls all the guy has to do is handcuff the gorilla (easy enough, right?) the guy tells the tech, ok but whats the shotgun for? the tech says, if i fall out of that tree, you shoot that damn chihuahua.....

[LostArtofRolando]

a penguin headed into town to get his car fixed one day.  He took it to a mechanic and dropped it off.  Trying to find a way to bide his time, he went to the ice cream shop to get a treat.  Well, as most people know, penguins don't have hands and he had a hard time with the ice cream cone.  Needless to say, he made a mess, getting vanilla ice cream all over his penguin tuxedo.  After finishing his snack, he went back to the mechanic to see how his car was doing.  The mechanic said, "well, it looks like you've blown a seal", to which the penguin replied, "No, it's just ice cream."

[Supermercado]

Bahaha, awesome.

[Gremlin]

just ice cream haa haaa love that one!

[disnut8]

OK - you asked for it so you are going to get it.  There's two more of these that are even worse.  Warning - it's long.

Benny Opperknockerty

Benny Opperknockerty was the proverbial 98-pound weakling.  He was balding and his body had a hard time throwing a shadow.  He spent his days at the beach dreaming about being able to pick up girls.  But this only made his life even more miserable because of the big macho guys that typically hang out at the beaches.  They would flex their muscles and the girls would swoon.  They all had massive chest hair and long flowing locks.  Benny dreamed of a day when he could be big and hairy himself.  The macho guys would pick on Benny mercilessly.  The girls would laugh at Benny’s misfortunes.  Benny was depressed every day from the teasing.

One day, after a particularly bad day of getting ragged on, Benny set out for a walk on the beach to escape the taunts.  He walked and walked and walked, thinking about how he could change his life.  He wanted to be buff!  He wanted hair! He wanted pretty girls to hover around him and call him “honey” and “sugar”!  He kept walking and walking.

Suddenly, Benny spied something in the sand.  It was dull and weather worn.  Benny almost past it by but decided to see what it was.  After all, he didn’t have anything better to do.  It turned out to be a very tarnished lamp, like the one Aladdin found.  Benny was so excited!  He just knew this urn was special.  Quickly, Benny ran back on the beach and drove home in his Pacer with the lamp.

In Benny’s one room basement apartment, he careful shined the lamp.  It was hard work since the lamp was so dull.  But Benny patiently worked on it – he didn’t have anything else to do.  He rubbed and rubbed and rubbed the lamp.  When the very last bit of tarnish was finally wiped away, the lamp began to shake.  Benny threw the lamp onto the floor.  Right in front of him, a wisp of smoke came out of the urn’s spout.  Slowly, slowly, slowly, the smoke came out of the lamp and formed a very large man.  Just like with Aladdin, Benny had released a genie!

The genie towered over Benny.  With a booming voice, the genie demanded to know who had released him.  Timidly, Benny stuttered out “B-B-B-Benny Opperknockerty” and quivered under the genie’s gaze.  The genie then boomed “I have been trapped in that urn for thousands of years.  To reward you for freeing me, I will grant you just one wish.  Make it a good one.”  Benny thought for a moment.  He thought about how genies are getting cheap with wishes.  Only one?  Then Benny asked his one wish.

“I want to be big and strong and hairy.”

The genie said “I will grant you your one wish.  Stand back”.  And miraculously, Benny gained 150 pounds, had muscles all over his body, had a full head of hair, and best of all – had curly chest hairs.  Now he could torment those beach bullies!

Then the genie said “As with all wishes, yours come with a penalty.  You cannot shave any part of your body for as long as you live.”  Benny didn’t care.  He was happy to be big and hairy.  Benny replied “Yeah, sure, whatever.”  The genie said “You have accepted the terms of this wish.  Now I go and find a Las Vegas showgirl to spend my time with.”  And with that, the genie disappeared.

The next day, Benny ran to the beach.  Everyone was so amazed with his transformation.  Benny had all the girls he wanted.  He picked on all the beach bullies endlessly.  A few days later, everyone commented on his new beard and mustache.  The girls would run their hands through his hair.  They competed with each other for Benny’s favors.

But not for long.  Benny couldn’t shave.  His beard became unmanageable.  As much as he tried, Benny somehow always managed to have food leavings in his beard.  Eventually, the beard was down to the middle of his chest.  The girls started going back to the macho beach bullies.  Benny became the butt of their jokes once again.  He still had the buff body but no one to share it with.

When Benny’s beard reached his waist, he stopped going to the beach.  When it reached his knees, he found new friends.  A mother robin had laid her nest in his beach and baby birds had hatched.  When Benny’s beard reached the floor, he couldn’t go out anymore because he kept tripping over the beard.  Once again, Benny was miserable.

Benny was desperate.  He didn’t care what the genie said.  The genie wasn’t there.  How would he know if Benny shaved his beard?  So Benny started the long and painful process.  He cut himself so many times because he couldn’t see what he was doing.  After days of chopping and cutting the beard, he finally had reached his face.  The going became easier.  He reached for his thirtieth can of shaving cream and set to work.

At long last, Benny only had a small area to shave.  Just as he finished and was clean shaven again, the genie appeared.  And boy, was he pissed.  “BENNY, YOU HAVE BROKEN YOUR PROMISE TO NEVER SHAVE!  FOR THAT YOU MUST BE PUNISHED!”

Benny pleaded with the genie.  He tried to explain that the beard had gotten too long, that he had to shave or go insane.  The genie refused any explanation.  The genie issued the final decree.

“BENNY, FOR YOUR CRIME, YOU WILL NOW BE BANISHED TO THE LAMP UNTIL SOMEONE FREES YOU!”  And with that, Benny turned into a stream of smoke and went into the lamp.

And the moral of the story?

Wait for it……









Wait for it……






Wait for it……


A Benny shaved is a Benny urned.

[jitspoe]

That was brutal.

[disnut8]

That was brutal.

I learned that one from my 9th grade biology teacher.  If we all turned in our test papers early enough in the period, we got to listen to these jokes before the bell rang.  We were stupid, we actually enjoyed them.

[Supermercado]

That was pretty bad. I won't lie, though, I laughed.

[elmono311]

You guys didn't have to grow up listening to those jokes...

[jitspoe]

Some short ones I found:

Q- What is 8 inches long and white?
A- Nothing.
---
I think some people are just like slinkys. They aren't good for much, but you can't help buy smile when you see them tumble down the stairs.
---
How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest?

They Take The Psycho Path.
---
How Do You Get Holy Water?

You Boil The Hell Out Of It.
---
What's The Difference Between a Bad Golfer And a Bad Skydiver?

A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack, Dang! A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack.
---
Q: What happens when you double park your frog?

A: It gets toad.
---
Did you hear they're taking seat belts out of Cadillacs?

They decided velcro on the head rests is much more efficient.
---
An elderly couple lay in their bed when suddenly the man rips a stinky.

"What was that for?" The old woman cried

"Touchdown 7-0" The man replied.

Suddenly a loud fart erupted from the woman "Touchdown 7-7"

The man so overcome by the feeling that he had to win pushed and pushed, but nothing escaped, suddenly he crapped on the bed

"Halftime, switch sides.."

[jitspoe]

Date: Mon, 14 Apr 2003 19:57:15 EDT

LORENA BOBBITT'S SISTER ARRESTED API - Clearwater Florida, Lorena Bobbitt's
sister Luella was arrested yesterday for an alleged attempt to perform the
same act on her husband as her famous sister had done several years ago.

Sources reveal the sister was not as accurate as Lorena. She allegedly
missed the target and stabbed her husband in the upper thigh causing severe
muscle and tendon damage.

The husband is reported to be in serious, but stable condition.

Luella has been charged with a mis de wiener.