Superficial - Suri Cruise is a Scientologist

People are speculating that nobody's seen Suri Cruise yet because she's being raised super Scientologist-like. Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are supposedly following the teachings of L.Ron Hubbard who advised against exposing young children to noise. The Scoop reports:

?A negative experience coupled with noise can create what Scientologists call an engram - which leads to recurring negative reactions. That might include paparazzi, newspeople, or a clamorous crowd. The only way to remove engrams, Scientologists believe, is through the process they call auditing. When a Scientologist talks about ?reaching clear? - they?re talking about clearing engrams from your mind. Tom Cruise?s efforts to create a quiet cocoon around his daughter might be a precaution against engrams.?

Tom Cruise was also supposedly acting really weird while doing his publicity tour for MI:3.

?While on his worldwide promotion of ?Mission Impossible III,? I am told, his behavior was, in a word, paranoid. He was obsessed about the purity of the air and at one point, he was convinced he was being followed and insisted on taking longer routes to places. He was also quite concerned about whether locks worked and had them checked. Scientologists are not only afraid of creating engrams, they?re also afraid of the effects of those around them who they call Suppressive Persons or SPs. It?s possible that Tom Cruise is being overcome by his Scientology training and that?s leading to a paranoid world view that is being reflected in his behavior with baby Suri.?

It's understandable if you didn't bother to read all that so let me summarize:

Tom Cruise is out of his goddamned mind. This is the kind of shit that happens to your brain when you decide to stop taking medicine and start eating placenta. It's a wonder he hasn't already moved his family into the woods and forced them to wear tinfoil hats on their heads. Which actually isn't a bad idea. How else are you supposed to keep the aliens out of your brain?